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Six Needs of Mourning
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D
MADDvocate, Summer 1998
The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. Movement from the "before" to the "after" is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot avoid our grief. We must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into it.
I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. That is different from grief.
Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
There are six "yield signs" you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief -what I call the "reconciliation needs of mourning." For although your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.
Need One: Acknowledging the reality of the death.
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. When the death was sudden, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may take months and years. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It's as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real and a little more manageable.
Remember - this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for years. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.
Need Two: Embracing the pain of the loss.
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss - something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress, or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.
You will probably discover that you need to "dose" yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of the death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to "carry on" or "keep your chin up." If, on the other hand, you remain "strong" and "in control' you may be congratulated for "doing well" with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.
Need Three: Remembering the person who died.
Do you continue to have a relationship with someone after they die? Of course! You have a relationship of memory. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.
Some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They try to keep you busy or even to move you out of your house. They may discourage you from going to the cemetery or honoring your loved one in some way at family gatherings. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace your past.
Need Four: Developing a new self-identity.
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.
You may have gone from being a "wife" or "husband" to a "widow" or "widower." You may have gone from being a "parent" to a "bereaved parent." The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.
A death often requires you to take on new roles that were previously held by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, someone still has to buy the birthday presents. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.
You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy, and fear.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.
Need Five: Searching for meaning.
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. This search for meaning can be even more difficult when the death was senseless and preventable, as in drunk driving. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask "How?" and "Why?" questions.
"How could God let this happen?" "Why did this happen now, in this way?" The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside yourself, but inside of yourself as well. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died too. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel very empty.
Death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.
Need Six: Receiving ongoing support from others.
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot - nor should you try to - do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners, or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to "carry on," many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. Out of their own fear and uncertainty, well-meaning but misguided individuals may suggest that "It's over and done with," or "You must get on with your life." Obviously these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you even if they cannot fully understand. They must recognize that in order to heal, you must be allowed - even encouraged - to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.
Reconciling your grief.
You may have heard - indeed you may believe - that your grief journey's end will come when you resolve or recover from your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not "get over" grief.
Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of living without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and a capacity to become re-involved in the activities of the living.
In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten.
Dr. Wolfelt is an internationally acclaimed grief educator and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. He presents more than 100 workshops each year across North America. This article is excerpted from his book, "The Journey Through Grief."
Links to information on grief
Grief comes to all of us at different times and in different ways.
It is important to set aside time to share with others the feelings and concerns that arise from a significant loss and change in our lives.
There are six "yield signs" you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief - what Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls the "reconciliation needs of mourning." For although your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.
Shattering Eight Myths About Grief
In order to effectively cope with loss, and to help others who are struggling, it is important to get past some of the common misconceptions about grief.
Of all the experiences we confront in life, the toughest to face is the sudden, unexpected loss of someone we love.
As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha