From Your Hands to God’s Arms — Saying Good-bye
There comes a time to say good-bye.
Letting go is one of the most powerful expressions of faith and greatest parting
gifts you can offer your dying loved one. The words uttered allow you to give up
control (and many hours of care giving), trusting instead in God's love. Your
words also offer your loved one the comfort of knowing that you trust in God so
that he can draw strength from your faith and assurance.
Saying good-bye
can be painful, but the pain is intensified if the process is entered with the
illusion that moments after saying good-bye, your loved one will immediately
die. Sometimes, the words first spoken do invite a relaxation response, but the
final breath may be hours or even days later. More often, the act of saying
good-bye is repeated in part, in different forms and by different people over
and over. The repetition itself reminds your loved one of God's steadfastness
and the promise that God neither slumbers nor sleeps but keeps constant watch
over us until the moment of death.
Helping your loved one move from your
hands to God's arms might include the following:
- Touch your loved one in a way that is comforting to your loved one (hold hands, rub her head, snuggle...). Let your physical presence be part of what nurtures a place of trust.
- Tell your loved one you love him. If he is unable to respond then answer for him. "And I believe you love me too."
- Tell her that you feel God's love in this place surrounding you and her. Let her know your trust is now in God. If you can express your experience of God's love/presence then describe it to her. If it feels natural to you, you could use a scriptural image (i.e. God has the hairs on your head numbered, so I believe that God knows where you are and knows your name). Tell her that God will continue to support you after she is gone and that you will make it in the future with your faith in God and your belief that she is at peace with God.
- Forgive your loved one of any past estrangement/ behavior/words. If he is unable to respond then answer for him, "And I believe you forgive me too."
- Give your loved one permission to let go. Again assure her that you trust the move from your loving hands into God's loving arms. Offer words such as "God is here with me and you, let's hold on to God now," "God's arms are open to you," "I am here for you, and so is God."
Remember you will likely repeat these acts in different forms many times. Hearing the words over and over creates a foundation of trust so that your loved one can feel secure in letting go. If visitors come and do not know what to say, suggest reading this page for guidance. Hearing permission from different people is reassuring to your dying loved one.
Links to information on grief
Grief comes to all of us at different times and in different ways.
It is important to set aside time to share with others the feelings and concerns that arise from a significant loss and change in our lives.
There are six "yield signs" you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief - what Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls the "reconciliation needs of mourning." For although your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.
Shattering Eight Myths About Grief
In order to effectively cope with loss, and to help others who are struggling, it is important to get past some of the common misconceptions about grief.
Of all the experiences we confront in life, the toughest to face is the sudden, unexpected loss of someone we love.
As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha